Nonmonogamy has existed for so long as the idea of affection. But the time period “polyamory” has solely lately entered the zeitgeist — from polyamorous educators going viral on TikTok to HGTV broadcasting a throuple on their journey to buy a house collectively. Nonetheless, few books talk about — not to mention information folks by way of — the expertise. For this reason Sara Youngblood Gregory’s new ebook, “The Polyamory Workbook” ($17), revealed Nov. 15, could not have arrived at a extra good time.

Youngblood Gregory is a lesbian author who has made a profession of filling the gaps in our collective lack of intercourse training. As a queer individual, they have been drawn to “relationship anarchy” at a younger age. Though you don’t want to establish as queer to take part in polyamory, the apply of polyamory is inherently queer: It pushes again in opposition to what we have been taught about how love works. As an alternative of trying to find “the one,” polyamory asks what might occur in the event you believed love is not a scarce useful resource however one thing that may be shared freely. And as a queer author, I’m endlessly fascinated by the numerous methods our neighborhood can love. Not within the “love is love” cliché that you simply would possibly see pasted onto Goal t-shirts throughout Satisfaction month, however in how we fashioned a brand new mindset after centuries of dwelling and loving exterior the traces.

However generally, dwelling exterior of the traces may be complicated and scary with out steering. That is why Youngblood Gregory’s ebook provides a glossary for traditional phrases inside the neighborhood in addition to prompts that allow you to apply setting boundaries, speaking wants, and constructing safe, wholesome relationships. It is also stuffed with professional recommendation and private experiences from educators like Sam, the founding father of the academic platform Shrimp Tooth, and Crystal Byrd Farmer of Black and Poly, on the subject of navigating communication types, consent, and accountability. “The Polyamory Workbook” learn extra to me like a self-help ebook with out the gimmicks and with all the tangible (actually interactive) recommendation it’s essential reframe the way you view love in your life (romantic and platonic).

“I knew from the start that I wished a ebook filled with voices, so one of many first issues I did was attain out to some fantastic educators and thinkers within the non-monogamous neighborhood,” Youngblood Gregory tells POPSUGAR. “I additionally invited in my very own family members to affix me for a dialog so of us might see how a community of lovers — typically referred to as a ‘polycule’ — displays on their very own experiences.” Finally, Youngblood Gregory says it was very important for them to supply a number of views on non-monogamy, not simply their very own. “As a result of in actual life, you’ll always should reconcile your expectations with these round you.”

I’ve had the pleasure of working alongside Youngblood Gregory at POPSUGAR, so once I had the chance to speak with them about writing the workbook, I used to be desperate to ask about how anybody — no matter their chosen relationship model — can take the primary steps to embrace loving freely. Beneath is what transpired between us.

POPSUGAR: How did this workbook come to be? Was it all the time going to be a workbook or did it morph into one after you began writing it?

Sara Youngblood Gregory: “The Polyamory Workbook” was a kind of tasks that knocked on my door at simply the precise time. I might been writing about relationships, polyamory, intercourse, and id for some time in my capability as a journalist and essayist, however had by no means actually thought-about doing any type of long-form undertaking on these subjects. In the meantime, I might been in contact with a beautiful editor at Ulysses Press, Kierra Sondereker, and some months later she reached out to gauge my curiosity in doing a workbook on non-monogamy. So, the undertaking was all the time meant to be an interactive, guided workbook folks might do by themselves or with family members. The idea of a workbook is actually appealed to me — relationships are interactive, constructive, and require dialog. I really like that “The Polyamory Workbook” provides the identical.

PS: You write that there is not one definition of polyamory, however in the event you needed to outline it, what does it imply to you?

SYG: Merely put, polyamory is an umbrella time period used to explain non-monogamous relationships. There are a ton of various types of non-monogamy on the market — together with relationship anarchy, open relationships, “Do not Ask, Do not Inform,” swinging, hierarchical dynamics, kitchen desk polyamory, group relationship — and I contact on all of these within the ebook and outline them.

However greater than something, I actually dug into a mixture of relationship anarchy and kitchen desk polyamory, which I consider is most conducive to pleased, communicative non-monogamy. The organizing ideas for my ebook have been freedom and management. Freedom doesn’t imply a free-for-all; it means life like expectations, wholesome boundaries, and turning away from what I contemplate the pitfalls of all relationships (not simply non-monogamous ones): rule-setting, controlling habits, and a scarcity of significant accountability.

PS: Is there ever actually an “ideally suited” time to enter into polyamory with the intention to reduce the danger of injuring your self and others?

SYG: The best time seems completely different for everybody and each relationship. Some folks come into non-monogamy as a single individual seeking to date a number of folks. Others fall for somebody who’s already polyam and is launched by way of proximity and circumstance. There are additionally monogamous {couples} who wish to discover relationship exterior of their relationship. These are all nice alternatives to enter into polyamory.

However like with any new expertise or huge change, it helps to put the groundwork beforehand. This will appear like studying, educating your self on frequent relationship dynamics, and seeing a polyam therapist or couple’s counselor to open channels of communication and have a secure, skilled impartial occasion to help the transition. And naturally, of us must take secure intercourse extraordinarily severely.

In case you’re single and getting into polyamory, it helps to know what your core values are. Do you wish to work together along with your lover’s lovers? Are you seeking to cool down and cohabitate with one individual, or probably extra? What about funds? How do you deal with battle? What’s your plan to navigate the exhausting emotions that can come up? Do you might have a strong help system? These are all nice inquiries to ask your self earlier than leaping in — but additionally a few of your solutions will in all probability change as you expertise new issues and meet new folks. That is nice, too.

For {couples}, it may be more difficult since you’ve existed in a sure rhythm, and now that rhythm is altering. Asking your self the identical questions helps to articulate your completely different wishes and objectives for non-monogamy, but it surely’s additionally a good suggestion to take issues sluggish. While you open up a monogamous relationship, your duty is not simply to one another. You each share a duty to whoever you convey into the connection — whether or not you are solo relationship or relationship as a pair — to deal with them nicely and be forthcoming about your newness to this type of relationship.

All that mentioned, prepping for polyamory and really doing it are two various things. It takes time, persistence, and a variety of adjusting and rewiring earlier than you get your toes beneath you. And that is OK!

PS: Actually, a variety of this workbook focuses on doing the work your self and never anticipating others (companions, and many others.) to “repair” you. This feels so reverse of what we have been raised to consider — that your companion will full you. I might love to listen to your ideas on how these two truths can exist directly: love may be unconditional (or infinite, as you write) however love may also have boundaries.

SYG: That is completely it — making the swap to a polyamorous mindset means we’ve to confront the messages about love and relationships many individuals have been taught from a younger age. For instance, the concepts that different folks will “full” you or “repair” you, that loyalty requires unique intercourse, that love can solely be given to at least one individual, and on and on. These aren’t simply concepts that damage polyamorous folks, however additionally they damage monogamous folks. Love is not a scarce useful resource. All of us want a number of associates, household figures, and family members with which we are able to share completely different passions, pursuits, and many others. There’s a complete tapestry of social connections folks must really feel a way of neighborhood. For many individuals, having a number of romantic connections is an indication that there is sufficient like to go round and their lovers are an enormous a part of how they form their neighborhood.

However in fact, love wants wholesome boundaries. Not guidelines or management, however boundaries for certain. Boundaries round love talk your non-negotiable values, set expectations, and will let you really feel secure in a relationship. An excellent instance? “I’m pleased to deal with you on dates and spend cash on this relationship, however I cannot merge funds.”

PS: Whereas I agree that we dwell in a predominantly sex-negative tradition, we’re additionally seeing extra folks contemplate and embrace moral non-monogamy (or at the very least, acknowledge it). Whereas polyamory turns into extra normalized, what do you want extra folks would know that is nonetheless typically misconstrued?

SYG: Polyamory is a protracted haul. It takes a variety of inside work, negotiation, and reflection to get to a spot of ease and luxury — however that is how it’s in any relationship. I discover a variety of consolation and solidarity in understanding that I am not alone in determining methods to present up for my family members, maintain myself, and construct loving, wholesome relationships. Everyone seems to be in that very same boat, throughout all relationship types.

PS: What’s step one somebody ought to take in the event that they’re contemplating polyamory? (Moreover shopping for this workbook, in fact!)

SYG: Examine what attracts you to polyamory and what motivates your potential exploration. It is a determination it’s important to make for your self and it’s important to need it for your self — not as a result of it appears enjoyable or stylish, not as a result of your companion is pushing you to strive it out, and never as a result of everybody else round you is doing it. The curiosity and curiosity ought to be coming from you, and understanding firmly what attracts you to non-monogamy will allow you to make the perfect choices for your self.

PS: What’s an important factor you hope readers will take away from finishing your workbook?

SYG: I hope after studying this, folks will know themselves higher. Figuring out your self — your wishes, your objectives, your values, your triggers, and tendencies — is actually highly effective.